


Unspoken

by fatdickzilla



Category: Queen B (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28415136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatdickzilla/pseuds/fatdickzilla
Summary: Full disclosure everything here was very much inspired by real life experience with getting my own heart broken, not every single thing but...enough. So this isn’t a happy fic. Reader beware!
Relationships: Professor Kingsley/Main Character (Queen B)
Kudos: 4





	Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to my wonderful friend on tumblr @citybornchick who issued a challenge to write a fic without any dialogue. I either out of confidence or insanity took her up on that challenge. I tend to struggle a bit with dialogue so I was actually very excited to write this one, and I can honestly say it flowed out of me. Anyway this ties in with her fic on tumblr titled “Un-break my heart” if you haven’t read it you really should, because she’s an amazing writer and this dialogue free fic ties in with her Ina and that specific heartbreak. Hopefully I do her proud!
> 
> So....enjoy? I mean as much as you can enjoy a depressing story about our favorite professor going through a soul crushing heartbreak...
> 
> This is also posted on my tumblr @thedaft1
> 
> Songs featured in this work are, in order:  
> Chicago - If you leave me now  
> Queen - Somebody to love  
> Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the heart  
> Lewis Capaldi - Someone you loved  
> Jon Bellion - All time low  
> Al Green - How can you mend a broken heart  
> Aron Wright - Heartbeats

Love.  
  
Love’s a funny thing. They say it’s blind but it’s also deaf and often times stupid. There’s a reason so many sayings about it involve fools.

A fool was exactly what Ina was. She should have expected this, in retrospect. She should have seen the signs, but...she didn’t. Perhaps she didn’t want to.

They had been growing apart for some time if she really forced herself to look back over the previous months but so much of that had reasonable explanations at the time, and whenever she would bring it up to discuss with Lizzie, she was always full of reassurances of their love. Ina never doubted her for a second. She really genuinely believed they had both just been busy and at some point things would settle down. She believed that _they_ would settle down. She’d already envisioned what songs they’d play for the reception, though she knew that was getting ahead of herself, but that’s how much faith she’d had in them and their love. That’s how much faith she’d had in _her._

_I’m such an idiot_ , Ina thought.

It all sort of happened in a blur and didn’t really feel...well, real. It was almost hallucinatory, like a really dramatic nightmare.

And dramatic it was.

She had been driving for hours, intent upon surprising her love on her birthday, she had everything planned out. She couldn’t stop smiling the entire way thinking about how romantic it would be, not to mention sexy. They hadn’t actually had sex in a while due to their hectic schedules and she was on a mission to remedy that in the most deliciously sinful of ways.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity behind the wheel she made it home. You know at first she didn’t even think anything of the music playing. As she made her way through their apartment however the confusion gradually set in, until finally she got to the bedroom, then it hit her.

The door was ajar. Cue the nightmare.

It really was surreal, like walking into the scene of a really bad porno rather than walking into their bedroom. Was this really her Liz? She couldn’t really process what she was seeing. She couldn’t really do anything except stand there in shock.

It didn’t take long for them to look up and notice her there. Everything went silent for Ina. The music was still playing and she saw their lips moving, she recoiled as Lizzie reached out to her, lips still moving. She couldn’t hear a word of any of it, just silence. Lizzie reached for her again, the other woman was getting dressed and seemed to find something about this amusing, judging by the slight smile on her face. Ina couldn’t look away, something like rage boiling up at the sight. She wrenched herself free from Lizzie’s hands and took a few steps back. All she could do was lift her arm and point at the door. She couldn’t look at Lizzie. She couldn’t stand to be in the same space as her.

She just kept her gaze fixed on the other woman. That was easier than looking at her love.

She was afraid if she looked at Lizzie she’d be unable to watch her go. That she’d beg her to stay and work this out, when deep down she knew there was no possible way to work this out. This was a deal breaker.

Her hearing gradually started to return. The music was off now, she didn’t know who turned it off. Lizzie was pleading with her, she wasn’t catching all of her words, but enough of them to know it was all bullshit.

She kept her arm pointing at the door, unable to speak until Lizzie said that she loved her.

Suddenly she found her voice, loudly. Just two simple words. She just kept shouting it over and over, as she squeezed her eyes shut, tears she wasn’t aware of streaming down her cheeks. She just kept screaming for Lizzie to get out, repeatedly while still pointing at the door and keeping her eyes closed.

She wasn’t sure how long she did that for, all she knew was that her throat felt raw and when she opened her eyes she was alone.

That should have felt like a relief, but it didn’t.

The empty space of their home felt like an oppressive pressure coming at her from all sides. Like being at the bottom of the ocean.

She leaned back against the nearest wall of their bedroom, and slid down it, eyes too blurry to see anything from all the tears.

She was openly sobbing.

Had she ever cried this much before?

She was gasping for air she was sobbing so hard. It actually was making her hyperventilate.

She had definitely never cried this much before, nor this violently.

Her entire body hurt. Physically. As if she’d been beaten badly. That was unexpected.

No one ever told you that about heartbreak, that it would cause your entire being to hurt in every nerve ending. She curled up on the floor, hugging herself but it did nothing to stop the aching, stinging, throbbing, stabbing hurt she felt all over.

At some point she crawled her way to the living room, unable to face their bedroom. She curled herself up into a ball on their couch and continued crying, gasping for air in between the sobs and wishing she were dead and praying for this pain to go away. Her arms hurt, her chest, legs, everything. Why did it hurt _everywhere_? She kept on like that until she passed out from exhaustion.

When she came to, she felt worse. The pain all over her body had faded but she just felt...well, like hell. People often used that expression jokingly but she honestly felt exactly like hell. Like she’d been through hell. Although that wasn’t entirely accurate.

The truth was she was still in hell, and she was going to remain there for quite some time unfortunately.

The hours she spent unconscious on the couch was not sleep, nor was it restful. She just felt drained and like she was dying in the most torturous way.

She went into the kitchen though she wasn’t hungry.

Well...that wasn’t entirely accurate. Her body made it clear she was in fact starving but she had no appetite nor will to do anything about it. The only thing she could manage was to get a glass of water.

She’d managed to drink about half of the water before she suddenly remembered what she’d walked in on and she felt sick. She barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up.

She was definitely grateful she hadn’t tried to force herself to eat anything.

Faintly she heard her phone ringing, to notice it was the woman of the hour. She had 17 missed calls, 5 voicemails and 130 unread messages. She threw her phone across the room as if it was venomous.

In a way, it was.

She went back to the couch. She turned on the TV, not that she was paying much attention to it but she needed the illusion of not being alone, and having the sound of the TV on filled the vast emptiness of her apartment.

She sat and stared uncaring. For a while she settled into the pain. Became acquainted with it. Familiarized herself with it. The TV went on showing various programs before her unseeing eyes, at some point she laid back and stared at the ceiling.

It had gotten dark.

She really had no concept of time at this point. She would alternate in periods of uncontrolled sobbing and staring. Eventually exhaustion came for her, and granted her a merciful reprieve.

It was still dark when she came to again. Was she only out for a few hours? 

An infomercial with a man chopping a pear with some new amazing kitchen appliance was blaring on the TV. She ignored it, but left it on. The sound was comforting. She may be alone but at least she had the pretense of company.

She went to retrieve her phone, finding the screen cracked and realized she must have spent an entire day and night asleep on the couch.

So not just a few hours then.

She had even more notifications of missed calls and messages. She swiped them all away except for the ones from Lillian. Apparently Lizzie had reached out to her sister in desperation. The thought made her angry though she couldn’t place why exactly.

She sent back a vague but reassuring reply to Lillian, not fully reading all of her missed messages, as she didn’t have the energy to deal with any of this. At some point Lillian would likely come bursting down her door, but she needed some more time to wallow and lick her wounds before she allowed someone to be there for her.

She looked over her shoulder to the door to their bedroom. She didn’t remember shutting it but she knew she must have. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for this but she couldn’t avoid it forever. As tempting as the idea was of walling up that room entirely she knew she had to sort things out in there.

At some point Lizzie would be back for her things and Ina was not at all ready for _THAT_.

Perhaps she should call Lillian...

She debated.

She walked over to the bedroom, mulling it over as she opened the door, and the sight was like a knife to the gut.

It looked like a tornado had swept through. A sex tornado. A whirlwind of filthy disgusting cheating sex. There were sex toys strewn about, some she recognized, some she _didn’t_. One toy was on the floor with a few in the bed. Was that a....muzzle?

Ina was a kinky girl but this seemed a bit extreme, even for her.

She finally noticed what looked like a large stain in the middle of the bed. She started to lean close over the bed but the smell made her stop. Urine?

What the fuck?

Ina had no idea what the hell had happened in here but this was not something she had remotely ever done with Lizzie. Maybe that’s why this happened? She felt anger again, mingled with disgust.

Typical, that she’d be left to clean up this mess.

Is that why _that_ woman had been smirking as she got dressed and left? If she ever saw her again...god help her she’d likely get arrested.

She decided against calling Lillian for help with this. She didn’t want her to see this. She felt shame along with a hundred other emotions.

As much as she wished to simply set the bed on fire, she realized that might be a bit drastic. She gritted her teeth and gripped the edge of the sheets. She rolled up the toys into the sheets and did her best to just bunch it all up into a ball. She stuffed it into their empty hamper and resolved to simply throw the hamper out.

She spent the next couple of hours wrestling with the queen sized mattress, and getting rid of any further evidence of what happened before she called Lillian.

Her sister had a lot of questions for why her mattress and a bunch of other things were outside her building at the curb, but Ina only gave vague answers. She gave a _very_ brief summary of what happened and made it clear she didn’t want to talk about it right now, and pleaded with Lillian to just help her.

Thankfully Lillian understood. Before long they had all of Lizzie’s belongings boxed up and in the hallway. Ina couldn’t bring herself to call her so Lillian did. Ina went and hid in the bathroom when she realized Lizzie had arrived. The second she heard her voice from outside the door she bolted.

Lillian dealt with it. She’d never be able to fully express how much that meant to her, how much of a relief it was. She heard shouting, which was surprising as Lillian was usually the calmer one between the two of them. She stayed in the bathroom, shaking and crying until finally a knock came at the door.

It was over.

Or at least as far as that part was concerned. Her pain? The hollow ache? The devastation she felt? That was far from over.

That was just beginning.

Lillian fussed at her, as if she were Charlotte. She drew her a hot bath and insisted she get cleaned up. Ina suddenly became aware that she wasn’t exactly...fresh. When she finished bathing she came out to find Lillian had made dinner. Spaghetti. Ina almost felt like smiling, _almost._

_Will I ever smile again?_ She wondered sadly.

It didn’t seem likely. Not anytime soon, anyway.

Spaghetti...it was a simple dish but one that went back with her and Lillian to their childhood. It was their go to meal for comfort. Lillian gave her a tight hug before handing her a plate with a generous helping. She tried to engage Ina in conversation, but understood when she didn’t answer much, changing the topic to things that didn’t require much response.

She listened to her sister go on about her day, Charlotte, mundane things, the sound of her voice pleasant. Lillian knew she wasn’t fully paying attention as she ate in silence but she also knew this was what Ina needed.

Ina couldn’t help but watch Lillian as she did the dishes. It was odd how their roles had been reversed suddenly. As the elder sister Ina was used to taking care of Lillian, not the other way around. She could see all of Lillian’s maternal instincts at work as she moved about her apartment, tidying up and occasionally looking over at her, with such open affection.

Lillian was really a lifesaver. Truly. At some point later that night, Ina started talking, which led to the inevitable breakdown into crying hysterics. She eventually had confessed the entire story to Lillian through many chokes and sobs.

She fell asleep that night being held by her sister. It was a nice feeling. Lillian just held her tight and rubbed reassuring circles into her back as she rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair, and whispering soothing words.

Why had she waited so long to call Lillian?

The next few weeks passed much the same, she tried to throw herself into her work with a renewed dedication that bordered on obsession. The distraction was nice but it never really lasted. Her pain was there with her, punctuating every syllable she spoke, following her with every step she took.

The second things would calm down enough to hear her own thoughts, it all rushed back, like the tide coming in. Overwhelming her as it crashed on the beach of her soul, drowning her in it’s depths.

She leaned back in her chair, taking a break from a paper she was currently writing. She had been at it for hours. She turned on the radio, wanting to take her mind off of everything for a moment.

_~If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me...~_

Ina sucked in a breath, tears suddenly pricking her eyes. Seriously? She changed the station quickly.

_~Can anybody find me somebody to love?~_

Again she flipped the station as fast as she could. Tears welling up more powerfully now.

_~Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can do...~_

The dam of tears she was desperately trying to hold back suddenly burst through violently as she couldn’t help letting out a sad watery laugh. I mean _**really**_? This of all songs?!

It was just too absurd the absolute irony. She was laughing and sobbing, it was just too ridiculous. She changed the station again.

_~I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved...~_

She changed the station, **again**.

_~I call your name, you look right through me, you're the reason I'm alone and masturbate, I've been trying to fix my pride, but that shit's broken...~_

Ina glared at the radio. Oh there was a God. Yes, in this moment she was quite certain of that. There was a God, and he had a real sick sense of humor.

She flipped the station one final time...

_~How can you mend a broken heart...~  
  
_She angrily turned off the radio, half considering throwing it out the window, although it was too late. The damage was done. She couldn’t stop crying.  
  
She finally understood now why so many love songs were sad.

Months passed much the same. She had found herself a new, nicer apartment without all the memories to haunt her. She was more or less going through the motions in her life. The funny thing about depression that no one ever tells you is that depression isn’t just a constant sadness, it’s a void. It’s a lack of feelings sometimes. You lose interest in things that once would make you light up like a Christmas tree. You didn’t really taste the things you ate. You didn’t really feel much of anything. All you wanted to do was sleep, regular chores become herculean efforts and at the end of the day you couldn’t help but feel like Sisyphus with his boulder. You’d struggle to get through your day, just to go to sleep and start back with the same struggle the next day.

Sometimes Ina would think she was over it, only to suddenly find herself sobbing unexpectedly. One random Tuesday she was in her kitchen, having just ordered herself a pizza, about to enjoy a slice when she looked up at the empty living room before her and remembered _**her**_ and just started bawling uncontrollably. Her knees gave out and she collapsed to the floor, and just cried, the pain flooding back through the vast wasteland of nothingness that she felt.

That’s what it was like, periods of nothingness, broken by waves of unbearable anguish. Would it ever stop? It always hit just when she thought she might be doing better.

Months turned into a year, she had slowly turned her new alien apartment into a place that was very comfortably _hers_. It wasn’t exactly a home per se, not yet, but it was as close as she could make it for now.

People around her had noticed the visible change in her. She had been happy once, deliriously so. Nowadays it seemed she seldom smiled, and she definitely didn’t laugh but for the most rarest of occasions. She could put on a good act though if she needed to. If someone would comment on it she could plaster a winning smile on, and put everyone at ease, but it wasn’t genuine.

The only ones who could see through the mask she’d wear was her sister and niece and thankfully Lillian never pressed her and Charlotte was easy to distract.

Time kept moving on however, even if Ina’s broken heart did not.

The one year turned into several, and very little changed. The intensity of the pain faded but it was always there. She was traumatized by it in a way. Some of the hurt was still there but the majority of it had been replaced with despair, and fear.

She had offers here and there, people hitting on her, the bold moves, the phone numbers shoved her way, the drinks sent to her table. But she just didn’t feel ready. Whenever she tried to consider it she just felt again that sad lonely hopelessness, that grim certainty that she would never love anyone ever again.

Part of her found that concept to be utterly depressing, but another part of her was somewhat relieved. The idea of loving someone like that ever again...was terrifying. She wasn’t sure if she could survive that kind of pain again. It nearly killed her the first time, and she was still recovering from it if she was being honest with herself.

Eventually though, came the day when a well meaning colleague had insisted on setting her up on a blind date. She’d been brushing them off about it for a while now, years actually. But it seemed her luck with excuses had finally run out, and there against her will she found herself sitting at a table in a nice restaurant waiting on her date. She was apprehensive as she looked around. All she knew was that her date was a brunette woman who would be wearing a red dress.

She checked her watch. Her date was 10 minutes late. She couldn’t decide if the idea of being stood up was upsetting or a relief. Just as she was about to seriously make a run for it, a voice called out her name from behind her.

She turned around in her seat confused, as she saw a brunette woman in a red dress making her way over to her, smiling brilliantly.

She should have been thrilled, but she wasn’t. The woman was certainly beautiful. Her dress hugged her curves quite well, she had long toned legs, her hair was done up elegantly and while she wore a little too much makeup for Ina’s tastes she was nevertheless alluring.

At least to anyone who wasn’t Ina.

She tried to shake off her inner reluctance, she really did. She tried to tell herself to just enjoy the company of this attractive woman and see where it leads, she really did truly make a sincere effort.

As it turned out however being an anthropologist was the **only** thing she and this Lexi Montgomery had in common. Much to Ina’s disgust she had thrown a fit with the waiter over their wine list almost immediately. It became apparent that this woman’s beauty was very much skin deep.

_How disappointing._

Further, she seemed to view her academia as something that made her superior to others. So even though this woman was very intelligent, she was unfortunately far too much of an egoist about it for any conversation to be truly stimulating.

_How deeply disappointing._

The only good thing about the date as far as Ina was concerned was that Lexi was more than happy to do enough talking for the both of them. She would nod here and there, and throw in the occasional hum of feigned interest and the conversation would flow along very much without her input. Ina passed the time by drinking glass after glass of wine. Wondering idly how long until she could make up some halfhearted excuse to leave.

Tragically it did not seem there was enough alcohol in the world to make this woman seem desirable to her. She cringed every time she barked at the poor waiter. She would definitely be slipping the poor kid a generous tip for this.

After mind numbingly bad dinner conversation, and slipping the poor waiter a crisp hundred dollar bill for his trouble, she found herself in a cab with Lexi, who was _still_ talking. This woman certainly loved the sound of her own voice, Ina wanted to roll her eyes, but smiled politely as she went on.

She found herself outside of her apartment and was surprised to see Lexi had also gotten out of the cab with her. Lexi was hinting very heavily about how unfortunate it was to let the night end so soon, her desire quite obvious in the way she looked Ina up and down. Ina knew what she was driving at, and she was _just_ tipsy enough to humor the idea. After all it had been a long time since she’d taken anyone to bed, so what if the woman was insufferable?

One did not always need to like their sexual partners to have a good time...right?

She hesitated for a moment, a sliver of panic shot through her for a brief second before she wrestled it down, and against her better judgement invited Lexi upstairs.

Once they had entered her apartment Lexi wasted absolutely no time in shoving Ina up against her door, kissing her hard. While ordinarily Ina preferred to be the one taking the lead, she surrendered to the moment dispassionately.

As they made their way over to her couch to continue their make out session Ina kept waiting to feel....anything. Anything at all. This _should_ be doing something but...it wasn’t. She wasn’t really affected by it at all.

It wasn’t really Lexi’s fault, she had to hand it to the woman, she was a sufficiently good kisser but it just felt... _wrong_.

Lexi pushed her back onto the couch as she rose above her, sliding a knee between Ina’s legs, her hands snaking their way up under her blouse, and as she felt Lexi’s hands cup her breasts over her bra Ina suddenly ripped away from the kiss, and gently pushed her away.

**No**. It just didn’t feel right. This was way too aggressive and she was not remotely interested in seeing this go any further. She wasn’t sure if it was Lexi or if she just wasn’t ready for this but either way she just couldn’t.

She made some lame excuses as she did not care to open up to Lexi about the real reason why she couldn’t go any farther. She did her best to make it clear she was not looking for anything romantic or sexual at that time and would like it if they could just end things on a friendly note.

Lexi didn’t even try to hide her frustration and disappointment but Ina didn’t feel guilty. Just another reason why Lexi wasn’t a good fit for her, she supposed. Finally after a few more awkward minutes of conversation, Lexi left.

Ina went to bed, feeling even more convinced than before that she would never love again.

It’s funny, before she had even met her ex she had always assumed she would never love. She went all through high school without finding that magical connection so many books, TV shows, songs and movies went on about. She went on dates, she went to dances, but she never felt those butterflies. She thought maybe love wasn’t something everyone got to have. It certainly didn’t work out for her parents. She had supposed long ago, that only some people get to find love, and the rest of us just hear about it and dream of it.

She had resigned herself to the idea that love certainly existed, but not for her.

Then she met Lizzie. Everything changed. She never went looking for it, but love had certainly found her, and it was amazing. She had felt a whole new world of feelings that she had given up on ever thinking she would experience. It had set her entire being ablaze. She also had felt unbelievable pain she could never have imagined. Had it been worth it? Despite it all Ina had to believe that it was, although some days it was really hard to think that.

Ina turned on some music as she slid under the covers of her bed. She let the song that came on wash over her.

Ina held her breath, the words taking her by surprise.

_~Hanging by a thread, waiting for a hand to pull me up,  
Falling down instead, nowhere left to land,  
It's all you get, for holding on, to something that will never come,  
Am I holding on, to something that will never come?~_

This hit her deep to her very core. How was it possible this song expressed her feelings better than she could?

_~I don't have enough heartbeats left,  
To spare them on somebody, spare them on somebody,  
Who never planned to see the moments pass,  
Now until forever, now until our last breath~_

Ina laid there in the dark staring up at her ceiling, deep in thought. Which was worse? Thinking that love existed but that you would never have it, or finally having love and knowing how wonderful it is, and being absolutely broken by it?

_~Footprints in the sand, remind us that we can just wash away,  
Light it turns to dust, leaves because it must evaporate,  
Am I holding on, to something that's already gone,  
Am I holding on, to something that's already gone?  
I don't have enough heartbeats left to spare them on somebody,  
Spare them on somebody who never planned to see,  
The moments pass now until forever, now until our last breath.~_

She fell asleep without an answer.  
  
_~I don't have not enough heartbeats left to spare them on somebody, Spare them on somebody~_

The real answer that never occurred to her, however, was that the ultimate worst thing is actually being so sure that you’ll never be loved again. To believe, however mistakenly, that deep inside there’s no way you’ll ever meet anyone who will make your shattered pieces feel whole again. The absolute desperate fear that you’ll never have that peaceful contended feeling of not only loving someone, but being loved by them in return. 

_~Who never planned to see the moments pass, now until forever, now until our last breath~_

Certainly that’s the worst feeling to have when healing, but thankfully none of it is true. In time Ina would eventually learn that, but until then it was something she fought with on a daily basis.

_~Now until our last breath~  
  
_More time passed. Sadly that disaster of a date did nothing to sway Lexi’s infatuation with her. It was something Ina simply had to endure with grace over work functions whenever they ran into one another.

One evening Ina found herself in her favorite bar, a speakeasy that was unknown to the people in her work and social circles and she preferred it that way. She always felt a safe sense of anonymity here. She was enjoying her bourbon in peaceful silence when she overheard the bartender giving a beautiful young woman a hard time about a Manhattan.

She watched the exchange with curiosity, drinking the woman in, admiring her and the way she charmed the bartender instead of being rude. She was stunning. Ina felt something stir inside, something she couldn’t quite place. She couldn’t help but chuckle at the interaction. She felt a long forgotten _rush_ when the gorgeous woman turned to her, flashing her a radiant smile. They bantered for a minute or two, before she walked away with her drinks.

Ina felt...excited? She refused to analyze it for fear of smothering whatever spark this was that had suddenly ignited. No, she was going to simply enjoy this for however long it lasted. She took another sip of her bourbon for courage and then sent a drink over to her. She waited in nervous anticipation that eventually gave way to delight when Ina saw her start to make her way back over to the bar.  
  
Finally.


End file.
